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| OooOo | Beer - So much more than just a breakfast drink. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Beer - The reason I wake up every afternoon. Beer contains Vitamin Pee. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! Beer: Now THERE'S a temporary solution. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer. Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough! Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime. I don't drink anymore. Of course, I don't drink any less, either. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week! I killed a six-pack just to watch it die. I swear to drunk I'm not God! I'd rather have a beer than win father of the year - Homer Simpson I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -Tom Waits If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy If you like my Bushes you'll love my Mountains (On the front of a T-Shirt with bush beer) im not an alcoholic im a drunk cause i dont go to meetings... - Jason Brown fort worth texas Irish I had another drink. Love makes the world go 'round? So what? Beer makes it go 'round twice as fast. Many people die of thirst - but the Irish are born with one. Milk Sucks, Got Beer? Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields One more and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker Remember I before E, except in Budweiser. Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine. Scotch. Even we Irish will drink it... Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg. The best days to drink beer are days that end in the letter, "Y". The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart There are 5 signs that you are drunk. The first one is loss of memory, but I can't remember the rest. There are only two times when I drink beer, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else. There's too much blood in my alcohol system Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run! To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group What's on the mind when sober, is on the tongue when not. - Josh Seidel When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world. Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it. You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa You know you are getting old, when happy hour is a nap. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin |
| OooOo | To find out the REAL meaning behind a fortune cookie, add the words 'in bed' to it. A hug is a great gift - one size fits all and its easy to exchange AAAH! You broke my fortune cookie! Be yourself. Who else knows how? Confucius say - 'He who stands on toilet is high on pot' Error 404: Fortune not found Help, I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory! Ignore previous cookie In God we trust, but others must pay cash! May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns! Next time read the fortune befo... [bitten off] Remember Fluffy? sorry no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie. That wasn't chicken... The person sitting across from you expects you to pay for dinner. They may crush your cookie but you always have your fortune. Those who think outside the box often find that they have only exchanged one box for another. You are hungry for Fortune East Chinese Food! Call 555-2112 to appease stomach. You love Chinese food. You will be healthier if you eat more chinese food. You're still hungry, eat another fortune cookie |
| sisi | [:D][:D][:D]Me umre od smea da si ziv.[:D][:D][:D] daj vamu uste![;)] Imas u toa arhivata 100 posto![:D][:D][:D] Ali ova covece e najbolje [:D] -im not an alcoholic im a drunk cause i dont go to meetings... -The best days to drink beer are days that end in the letter, "Y". -There are only two times when I drink beer, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else. -You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it. [:D][:D][:p][:D][^][:D][:D][;)] |
| OooOo | Bumper stickers #1 Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing their idiot (re: George W. Bush) If i overtake you... you should be embarrased - Seen on the back of a camper van Don't follow me, I'm lost too... Fur is more actively protested than leather 'cause its easier to harrass rich women than biker gangs. Support your local undertaker and DROP DEAD Somewhere in Texas There is Village Missing an Idiot Sign seen on sewage truck: "We're #1 at #2!" Rehab is for quitters If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! Watch Out For The Idiot Behind Me. Gas, Grass, or piece of Ass. Nobody rides for free. - On a jeep I know I'm in there somewhere, and if I don't come out with my hands up, I'm going to go in there and get me! The lord giveth; the IRS taketh away. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing their idiot (re: George W. Bush) (license plate holder on a 1983 Toyota Tercel) "Undercover Princess" (next to a USMC Eagle, Globe and Anchor) Its God's job to forgive Osama, its our job to arrange the meeting! (on a dirty white car) Also avaliable in white! (On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can. (On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk, I'm peddling as fast as I can. (Seen on the back of a T-Shirt in a motorcycle shop) If you can read this, the dick won't let me drive! (This is the woman motorcyclist t-shirt) IF YOU CAN READ THIS THE BITCH BOUGHT HER OWN (Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep Over. A boss is like a dirty diper, allways on your ass and full of shit. Ankh if you love Isis. Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition. Back off, I'm a postal worker. Bad cop. No doughnut. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon! Born free... Taxed to death. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. D.A.R.E. Drugs Are Really Expensive! D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts. Dear Lord, please save me from your followers. Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment. Don't Annoy The Crazy Person. Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers. Don't rush me. I'm on my way to work! Don't steal, the government hates competition. Don't tailgate, I'll flick a booger on your windshield. Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker. Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get. Drive defensively - buy a tank. Drive it like you stole it! Driver carries no cash: He's married! Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember... Earl's in the trunk. - Dixie Chicks, 'Earls gotta die' Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later) Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it. Fat people are harder to kidnap. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long...you'll have a penny. Unless you drop it down the drain. Then it'll probably get washed out with all the other nasty dishwater into some lake or pond where some poor unsuspecting duck will find it, think it's food, choke on it, and DIE! DUCK KILLER!!! Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink). Go with God. (my car's full...) God is coming [and is she pissed] Hang up and drive! Have Clutch, Will Roll Backward Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty. His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is. honk if a part falls off Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..." Honk if you like obscene gestures! Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree. Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff) Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk if you're a goose. Honk if you're illiterate. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window! Honk your brains out, it wont take long. Horn broken, watch for finger. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How's my driving? Call: 1800 KISS MY ASS I bought this car on credit - 20% down and the balance on receipt of threatening letters. I brake for hallucinations. I brake for No Apparent Reason. I brake for tailgaters. Hard. I don't drive fast, I fly low. I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband). I drive this way just to piss you off. I drive waaay too fast to worry about cholesterol. I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made! I love animals, especially in a good gravy. I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet. I may be slow but I'm ahead of you! I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it! I need patience. NOW! I see dumb people i souport publik edekasion. I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers. I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt? I would give you the finger but it's up my nose. I'm going crazy. Wanna come along? I'm not into Booze... It dulls the drugs! I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting! If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen! If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you. |
| OooOo | Bumper stickers #2 If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. If you can read this, the bitch fell off. (on the back of a biker's T-shirt). If you can read this, you are in phaser range. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! (seen on the back on a wheelchair) If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off! If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights. Instead of being born again, why not just GROW UP? IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Is there life after death? touch my car and find out It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. Jesus is coming - Look Busy! Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole! Jesus paid for our sins. Now, let's get our money's worth! Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores! Jesus, protect me from your followers! Keep honking - I'm reloading. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest? Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog. My car does 0 - 60mph in 5 miles! My Governor can beat up your Governor. (Minnesota bumper sticker) My Governor is dumber than your Governor. (Montana bumper sticker) My karma ran over your dogma. My kid beat up your honor student. My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail. My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater). My other car is a piece of **** too. My other vehicle is a broom stick. My President slept with your honor student. My reality check bounced My truck is not leaking, it's marking its territory. Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. New Bumper Sticker cropping up in NY (Democrats use the rear bumper - Republicans have it on the front of their cars!) "Run, Hillary, Run." Next time wave all your fingers at me! Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it. No Radio - Already Stolen. No, YOU suck. - the mean people. On a clunker truck - Taliban Military Surplus On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it. On the back of beatup pickup truck, being driven by a guy with a big hat - I ain't no cowboy, I just found this hat. People are worried about the voices in my head, but it doesn't bother me. It's nice to have friends Pray for whirled peas. Prevent inbreeding - ban country music. See on small car: 'When I grow up, I want to be a Truck' Seen on a Jeep, posted upside down, "If you can read this, flip me back over." Seen on a muddy lorry: "I wish my wife was as dirty as this!" Shouldn't your eyes be on the road? Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get A**holes till they Marry. Smile, I could be behind you! - on Police Motorcycle license frame, Visalia, CA So many pedestrians, so little time! Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Supporting America's Militant Agnostics... we don't know, and you don't either. Take my advice, I'm not using it anyway Take Revenge: Shit on a pigeon! The ability to speak several languages is valuable. The ability to keep one's mouth shut in one language is priceless. The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere. There are no short-cuts to any place worth going There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder. This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware, you might meet the Undertaker To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car. Touch my Saturn and I'll kick Uranus Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left. Unless you're a hemorrhoid, GET OFF OF MY ASS! Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking. Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship When in doubt, poke it with a stick. Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket? Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive? Witches' Parking - All others Toad. Woman make great leaders, you're following one. Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you. YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light. You may touch the dust just don't write in it. You! Out of the gene pool! You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Zero to bitch in 2.4 seconds. |