||Good evening, everyone. Ladies, gentlemen, uh, Felicity."
"Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead in Death to Smoochie. Rent it."
"Right now around the world we are being watched by hundreds of millions of people, nearly half of whom are in the process of being adopted by Angelina Jolie. I'm wait-listed."
"The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic party. And it's exciting for the stars as well, it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner."
"The theme of the awards show tonight is a return to glamour, and thank goodness because for too long, Hollywood has done without.
Definitely this is an improvement over last year's theme, Night of 1000 Sweatpants."
"Two of (George Clooney's) nominations for Good Night and Good Luck, which is not only Edward R. Murrow's sign-off, it's also how Mr. Clooney ends all his dates."
"Capote was a ground breaking film that broke taboos, that showed America not all gay people are virile cowboys. Some are actually effete New York intellectuals."
"Capote of course addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say both are period pieces."
"Schindler's List and Munich. I think I speak for all Jews when I say, I can't wait to see what happens to us next."
"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her."
"If you haven't seen the film (North Country), it's really wonderful, (Charlize Theron) plays a woman who is constantly judged on her looks and paid less than her co-workers. It must be wonderful to be done with that and back here in Hollywood."
"Raise your hand if you were not in Crash."
"I tell you the movies that do very well, the remakes. King Kong, made that a couple of times, this time, smash hit. War of the Worlds, remake, tremendous. Walk the Line, was Ray, with white people. Remakes!"
"That was wonderful, George Clooney getting the first Oscar, that was really nice. Very proud of him. That's the kind of thing that can get a fellow laid. All right. How much more can he HAVE?"
"Congratulations to the winners, and congratulations to Ben Stiller and his amazing green unitard. It's good to have proof that he's Jewish."