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You know you are a Serb when ...
Your mom uses lard instead of Crisco to fry eggs.
Your family owns a coffee grinder..and a nut grinder
You have 17 consonants and 2 vowels in your last name
Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a screwdriver .
Baba chased you around the house with Kamilica to drink and Vicks toshove up your nose when you had a cold.
Your 15 year old sister can out-drink any Amerikanac
You get a C in history, but can recite every Serbian king, in order,from Czar Dusan
Your dad never told you about the birds and the bees
At your wedding you know only about a third of the people there.
At your wedding you have a minimum of 350 guests.
At your wedding the first song is always "danas majka zeni svoga sina".
You have at least 3 slave to attend to on the same day.
All slave have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".
All weddings have the same cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".
All christenings have the cuisine "supa, sarma, Pecenje".
A Serb girl tries to look 23 but she's actually 15.
At least one of your friends name is "Dragan".
You are somehow related to every 1 in 3 Serb girls/boys.
You don't actually attend University, just hang out there and play "tablic".
You can derive "Steve" from "Nenad".
You can derive "David" from "Zeljko".
You can derive "Mark" from "Mirko".
Your father calls you a "dummy" for not knowing how to do something he can't either.
Even the fat Serb chicks put on the tightest skirt possible.
Your father expects you to study or "hit da books" every waking hour that he's home, and he expects nothing less than an "A".
A cold shiver runs down your spine when your mom threatens by using the word "tata" in a sentence.
Your Deda cuts the grass with knee high black socks and slippers.
You work out six days a week, but somehow you dad whoops your ass in like five seconds after he comes home from a thirteen hour day from the bakery/factory/food business.
You own a leather jacket.
You have three pairs of black shoes.
You drive a nicer car than your parents.
There is a 120-gallon barrel of wine and Cabbage in your garage.
There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.
You hear birds chirping and see the sun rise every time you come home from the bar.
Your mother still makes your bed.
You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your brother's name.
Every car your family owns has chrome wheels.
Your Baba calls all cereal "Corn Flakes".
You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.
Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.
Your dad wears black socks to work everyday.
Your Baba and Deda live in your basement.
You wear a DKNY t-shirt when you work out.
Your parents never go on vacations because they are afraid to leave you home alone for a week.
You have all brand new appliances in your kitchen but your mom cooks in the basement with the stove from your old house.
Your baba swears more than you do.
Your dad claims not to be a racist but insists the whole world should speak Serbian.
You are prohibited from speaking English in you own home.
Before school every morning your parents had to look after the sheep, milk the cows, gather all hay, feed the animals etc..
Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5km uphill both ways. And over rocks.
Your parents can't pronounce "Thursday".
You argue that your mobile phone is better than anyone else's.
Your mum makes her own bread and slices it with a BIG kitchen knife to a thickness of 5cm per slice.
You have the biggest sandwiches at school, always consisting of "prsut Or salami".
Your dad wears dress socks with tennis shoes.
Each one of your friends has a distinct, annoying laugh.
All the hot girls/guys are your cousins.
Your dad starts to swear obsessively whenever he watches CNN.
Your parents have gone on vacation ONCE and it was to Yugo.
There's oil stains on your driveway.
There's at least one relative that your family refuses to talk to.
Being someone's KUM really has no meaning.
Your dad thinks he knows everything about the world today.
You had to break off a tree branch from your back yard, so your dad could whoop your ass with it.
When your walls are crowded with icons of saints
Your last name ends with a CH
You have black hair and brown eyes
When you speak Serbian and not English on your "You know when you're Serb" list
When you are reading this list and you're cracking up
Your mom uses lard instead of Crisco to fry eggs. ..... and tells you it's good for you
When you are hopelessly trying to bring the Serbian community together
When you make jokes based on your own tragedy
Your church has a fully loaded bar
One of your relatives is a construction worker / painter
You are high maintenance
The main menu for lunch is cabbage and beans.
A loaf of bread is eaten for lunch.
You don't want to have or do any business with Serbs.
The minute Church services are finished you run to the bar in the Church Hall and get plastered
You only go out of town for Serbian Tournaments and Dances
Your dad pronounced the silent b in Climb, plumber, comb etc…
Your parents have a shot of rakija for breakfast
You started to drink at the age of 12
You don't talk to your Kumovi
Your mom wears her bra as a bathing suit
It takes over 8 years to finish college
If you are female, you first name ends in "A"
You have a Serbian cross, flag, or icon, hanging from your rear view mirror
Your uncle makes his own wine that is stronger than rakija
You think everything is a conspiracy
Your dad thinks that the phone is bugged
If you are a girl and not married by the age of 20 you are an old maid
There is a baba hotline 1-800-CALL-BABA
Your mother insists that "promaja" will kill you
Your mother insists that you must eat something with "kasika" at least several times a week
You base your whole life on the fortune in your coffee cup
You eat canned peppers and ajvar with every meal
You have a Kosovka Devojka goblen hanging on your wall
You live with your mom and dad until you are married
You have a pair of wool slippers that your baba knit
Your mom tells you not to sit on concrete or your ovaries are going to freeze
On your birthday, your parents make you take a picture cutting the cake with a huge knife.
Your dad washes the garage floor with the hose wearing cheap criss-cross brown flip-flops.
There's a slab of fat in your fridge called "slanina"
Rakija is used to cure all illnesses, celebrate all occasions and as a massage lotion
When you celebrate Christmas and Easter and New Year two weeks after everyone else
At your birthdays everyone is singing "Happy brzday tu u"
You wear as much gold as your girlfriend/mother/sister
When the head of a pig with an apple in its mouth is looked upon as a delicacy
As a kid you are paid to steal the bride's shoe at a wedding
When your baba will not accept the fact that you're not hungry
You teach all your American friends Serbian cuss words
When your friends can't believe you got drunk at a church function
When all your Serbian friends dad's kick your ass.
When all your Serbian friend's dads offer you slivo at age 16.
Your Tata complains da ga ledga BOLE!!!
When you had/have a pet named Mishko.
Your parents pronounce three, thirteen and thirty three as tri, tirteen, and tirty tree.
You get the mumps and your baba ties slabs of bacon (slanina) around your ears to cure the mumps.
You have a vegetable garden in your backyard consisting of a variety of peppers, onions and tomatoes.
You have a freezer that is loaded with meat products, especially pork.
You have a cold cellar that includes a variety of meat/deli products,pickled goods, and wine.
When your parents constantly say you'll end up a nobody if you don't graduate from University
When you have to reassure your Mother that her cooking is the best
When your Mom proclaims that she doesn't gossip about other Serbs but full well knows that she does
When you're an adult and still recieve Easter chocolate
When you had to go perform as an altar boy
You go to a restaurant and you bring your own drinks
Whenever you went by Baba's house, she offered you supa, sarma, pecenje or kolace and got mad if you didn't eat EVERYTHING.
You are at a zabava and guy's try to pick you up with "Hey baby, what's your slava??"
In your house, the walls are neon green or yellow and your carpet is brown
You can think of nothing you would rather do an a Saturday night than go to a dance
Your American friends will never understand why you spend so much time at church events and you are the farthest thing from holy that there is
You live for the annual Folkfest and/or Soccer Tournament
Whenever you kiss somebody, you kiss them 3 times.
When your grandma says that farting is healthy.
You have 4 pairs of opanke in your attic, basement, closet...
When you are told that you'll grow a tail if you drink coffee at a young age
You are freaked out by 'Babaroga'
You took a bath in a lavor when you were a kid.
Your tata pronounces "oops" as "ups."
All the older Serbs around you are always worried about drafts.
You hear the word "BATINE" and you cringe or go into convulsions
Your tata has a smoke house and smokes all the slanina/prsut/pecenje for the surrounding serb colony
You have opanke hanging from your rear view mirror
The first conversation you had as a baby used the words "jebi ga"
You cant imagine hearing a song without the obligatory "harmonikas solo"
You use Shljivovitca down the carburetor to start your 69 Dodge Charger on a cold winter morning
You know you are a Serb when you live in Detroit and are proud of it!
You know you are a Serb when you can hear your parents talking, and you are across the street.
All other action stops when you hear the music : "Boze Pravde", "Kad sam bio mali", or "Marsirala"
When you're a girl, and you dye your hair no other colour than burgundy..
"Your Baba says everything you do is bad and what you need is a nice Serbian girl to take care of you!"
"You're the first of your friends to get hair on his back, and grey hair to follow"
"Everyone is sure that you're Italian or Greek"
"Your Baba wastes absolutley no food and even sticks flour in the freezer to keep fresh"
"Your Baba lectures you everyday of your life because her own children know better than to listen to her"
"No one has ever pronounced your last name right, and every kid on the block has a nickname for it"
You know you're Serbian when you don't work and you go shell out $300 easy on the weekend
You know you're Serbian, when you are a fan of whatever basketball team Vlade Divac is on
You know you're Serbian when your mom has a whole pharmacy in the medicine cabinet.
When your mum cuts your hair with a "serpa"
When your mum calls you "stoka"
When you can always smell garlic on your parents breath and they insist it kills all the bacteria.
You know you are a Serb when you go to the annual picnic on the 4th of July and it's a big car show where your fellow Serbs show off their cars....
Your parents still prefer to buy cassettes instead of CDs.
When your Baba made you drink warm water when you had a cold, because cold water would make you feel sicker
When your mom tells you not to drink cold water after you have exercisedyou know
When no matter what age you are or how much smarter than your parents you are, they will never listen to what you say 'cause you're still their little " beba "
When your baba tells you that your deda is perfect but don't ask him anything.
When your parents know everything you did at the basketball tournament before you get home
When the baba grapevine travels faster than the national emergency alert system.
A Serbian baby shower is as big as most American weddings!
When your friends can't understand why your summer vacation consists of playing golf in a town called Farrell or Aliquippa.
You know you're a Serb when your neighbors never see you during Memorial Day Weekend because you're traveling with 'that choir'.
You have not scene baba's hair since deda died.
When your mother yells at you for taking a shower each and every morning with her sarcasm "Did you plow the fields today?"
When all guys balk at the idea of meeting you family, especially the male relatives
When no matter how old you are, your parents say you are never right.
When you are 6'5" 250# and your parents think you are too skinny.
You know at least 20 Tool and Die Makers or Machinists or you are one yourself.
Your Dad tells you "kad sam ja bio u tvoje godine...."
You go to church 2 times a year... Bozic and Uskrs
When you say you're hungry, and then go buy pack of smokes
When your baba chases you down the street with her cipela...
When your baba rather walk five miles to the grocery store instead of getting a ride.
When you have a chicken running around in your back yard...
When your tata is talking to you and every other word he calls you is budala...
When your mama gives you vodka when your teething...
When your tata whips you before your relatives come over for your birthday...
When you hang your clothes in the backyard on a clothes line even though you have a dryer...
When you are a eating at the kitchen table with your family and you get in trouble for talking.
You have a shot of rakija followed by a crna kafa and a pack of Malboro's for breakfast.
You sport the latest Nike and Adidas outfits but have never exercised in your life
You always have the latest mobile phone on the market
You can spend 3hrs in a Cafe drinking the same one coffee
Calling someone for a chat at 1am on a weeknight is the norm
When your parents call relatives in Yugo they shout to be heard
Your parents work day and night to build the ultimate brick and concrete mansion so their sin and snaja can live with them in eternal happiness
When everytime your family needs to buy a household item, your father asks the salesperson "how much for cash" and continues to bargain down for at least half an hour
Your parents believe that being left handed is the sign of the devil
When as a young boy/girl you have your head shaved to promote a thick head of healthy hair
As soon as you tell a neighbour you're Serb they ask you for some rakija
When your front yard is all concrete ... and your dad then paints it green
When at least 3 of your cousins are Cro
When you believe the most famous people in the world are Serbs who changed their name
When you're married with kids and your mother still insists on cooking and cleaning for you
When on your birthday everyone pulls your ears
When your baba chases you around the house with a varjaca
When your parents call you "sine" no matter if your a boy or a girl.
When your parents only want to invite your Serbian friends in your house
Your mom gloats about how good Serbian food is but cooks Turkish coffee for all her friends
Thinking there's no such thing as Santa Claus but believing St Nicholas will come to your house
When you work part time and drive a BMW
A cassette or Video of Lepa Brena is in your Video case or radio
When your tata tells you a narodna poslovica for everything single wrong thing you do and you think that he made them all up just to prove a point.
Your parents always complain about how the "matematika" you're doing in school is too easy for kids your age.
When your baba and deda believe that you got sick because your parents didn't feed you properly
When you are watching your favorite basketball team and someone scores a three pointer you interpret the referee's three fingers in the air as support for Serbia
When you open gifts not to tear the wrapping so your baba can reuse the paper and bows
When there are more fights at a wedding than a championship match
When you write on your history exam that Nikola Tesla is the father of electricity not Thomas Edison and you teacher fails you.
When you make a pilgrimage to Chicago
When your parents tell you that the laws pertain only to North Amaericans and not them
When you call your next door neighbor "kone"
You get scared when your dad sneezes
When you insist on talking Serbian even when you're with your American friends
When you date someone from church
When all your Serb guy friends insist they're Cetnici
When your dad likes to sit home and play the harmonika
When you go on vacation and your dad spends all his time playing tablic at the hotel
When the spaghetti and macaroni and cheese your mom makes tastes like lamb from the lamb grease she saved to put in everything
When tipping rule of thumb is: no need to tip if you will never eat at that restaurant again
When no one enters your house through the front door. .. everyone is to enter through the garage
When your cat is named matcak and your dog is named kutcak
When your parents will only go to the doctor if they are passed out on the floor or have severed a limb
When to ensure that you will never marry a non-serb, whenever you are in the car with your parents, your parents play Serb music and sing along really loud when the windows are rolled down in the car
If your real first name isn't Serbian, you have two first names -- one is definitely Serbian.
When the first thing you do when you walk into a friends house, is take off your shoes, kiss their mom, and shake their dad's hand
When your friends' parents talk to you like they're YOUR PARENTS too.
When you beg a friend going back to Yugo to get you some kajmak
When you beg a friend going back to Yugo to get you some Serbian cigarettes
When you bang the table and break glasses while singing when you're drunk.
When your father threatens you with a papuca
When your father says "samo ako te zgrabim ja"
Drinking a cold glass of water will get you sick
When beans are served and your dad tells you that you should call it "gospodin pasulj
You know you are Serb when your boyfriend / husband says to you "cut bre"
When you step on poop and your mom tells you that it's a sign of luck or money
You know you're a Serb when this list keeps growing and it's getting hard to edit it!
Baba's extra refrigerator is the back porch...
You can't even think about beginning the kolach until 1:00 in the morning, since it's bad luck to make it any earlier than the morning of slava.It's 2:10 AM when you realize the oven, which deda just "repaired", won't light...
Your first real kiss was during the Kissing Kolo.
You know you're a serb when you are 25, live on you own, and still sneak up the stairs when you get home at six in the morning.
You cut up some onions and garlic and then decide what you will make for dinner.
You think the expression "Don't laugh so much, you will cry" sounds reasonable
The word "Sramota!" will deter you from anything
Every one of your relatives from the old country that immigrates to the the US is an engineer
Cevapcici on the grill are better than steak any day
All Middle Easterners are "Turci"
Your parents order "Pepsi , no ice"
Your grown uncle gets a "batine" from your baba and you don't think twice about it
Your majka is fond of saying "Tanks God"
Garlic flavored boiled pigs feet spread is yummy
Deda has a 25 year club hat and license plate frame from his steel mill job and lost three fingers achieving that milestone
Theres a bust of Cica Draza in your house and a hand made afghan on your recliner
You can hear Ceca pumping in your car, with the subs cranked to the max, two blocks away
You understand what "made in the garage" really means
A week after Slava, Bozic, and Easter you are still eating sarma
When returning from Jugo, everyone at the airport is staring at you becuase your suitcase smells of rakija
After a few years of working there is a pattern on your leave of absence, you are sick every year on the 7th, 14th, and 20th of January
You can dance a kolo to anything, including Serbian rock
You read this list to your mama and tata and all they have to say in their defense is "IC NAT TRU!!!"
You work on a construction, but when you come to YU for vacation you tell everyone how successfull "biznismen" you are.
You feel nostalgic for drinking and vomiting in front of the liquor store.
When you eat any kind of meat for lunch and your baba says that the greasiest part is the sweetest.
You listen to gusle and you actually LIKE it
When your mom can bake a cake without sugar, chocolate, flour and oil, and she calls it " the embargo cake "
When you're sitting in your room and listening to "narodnjake"
When your mama and baba have to wear 18 lbs. of gold around their necks at the zabavas "zato sto narod moze da vidi koliko smo mi bogat!"
You always buy a Mercedes Benz when you decide to move back to YU.
When you've been called djubre at least once in your life
Your parents buy peppers by the bushels
You have a gold chain with a 'pravoslavni krst' on it
..if you sit too close to the T.V., you'll get cancer.
Your father didn't wear under arm deodorant because it could cause cancer
Your parents insist that piling blankets on your body is the way to cure your 102 degree fever
When in the family gathering every generation has its own war and is boming to talk about and be proud for surviving it.
When you think green onions from your deda's garden and a plate of salt is an appetizer
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