| Just for Laughs | |
| mafisKumA | Actual Bumper Stickers 1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. 2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends. 3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going. 4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. 5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. 6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich. 7. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen. 8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen. 9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off. 10. I'm Out Of Estrogen-And I Have A Gun. 11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares? 12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes. 13. And Your Point Is...? 14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It. 15. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time. 16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win. 17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up. 18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke. 19. I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People. 20. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not. 21. If We Are What We Eat, I'm Fast, Cheap And Easy. 22. Don't Upset Me! I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies. |
| mafisKumA | Actual Signs As Seen In London 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by his door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants. Please Stay In Your Car 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. |
| mafisKumA | Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords... 1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." 2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." 3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." 4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." 5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." 6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces." 7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." 8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy." |
| mafisKumA | Real Driving School Exam Answers Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. |
| mafisKumA | People Under Oath These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Don't miss the last one. ******************************************************************* Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ******************************************************************* Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ******************************************************************* Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ******************************************************************* Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ******************************************************************* Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ******************************************************************* Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ******************************************************************* Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ******************************************************************* Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? ******************************************************************* Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken? ******************************************************************* Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ******************************************************************* Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ******************************************************************* Q How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ******************************************************************* Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this individual a male, or a female? ******************************************************************* Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ******************************************************************* Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people. ******************************************************************* Q All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ******************************************************************* Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ******************************************************************* Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. |