| Strelec |
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
***
You know you are addicted to the Internet when:
1. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
3. You start introducing yourself as: "Yourname at yourlastname dot com dot.”
4. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
5. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
6. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
7. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
8. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
9. You get a tatoo that says: "This body best viewed with Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.5 or higher."
10. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
***
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
***
A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:
“Dad, what is Windows 95?”.
“Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.”
***
To My Darling Husband,
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!
The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Mary
***
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies: "Sure, which country?"
The fella asks: "How many countries have you got?", to which the reply is: "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one... You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."
The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.
"Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch!" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says: "And here are the batteries."
***
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
***
Tech Support: Now Bob, type the 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "Where is it?"
TS: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
TS: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!"
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| OooOo |
Nije istina da informaticari stalno nose karirane kosulje, da su plahi i da razmisljaju binarno. Imaju oni puno sofisticiraniji softver. Evo, na primjer, razlikuju cak 14 tipova zena.
1. Internet zena
Morate platiti da biste dobili pristup.
2. Server zena
Uvijek je zaposlena i preopterecena kada ju trebate.
3. Windows zena
Znate da ima puno mana, ali ajd' sad vi zivite bez nje.
4. Powerpoint zena
Idealna da ju prezentirate ljudima na kakvom slavlju.
5. Excel zena
Kaze se da moze stosta, ali vi ju i dalje koristitie samo za one cetiri osnovne radnje.
6. Word zena
Nema sto, svakim danom vas sve vise iznenaduje, pa ipak, ne postoji nitko na svijetu tko ju zbilja razumije.
7. MS-DOS zena
Svi su je imali i nitko ju vise ne zeli.
8. Back-up zena
Mislite da ima sve, no kad vam nesto zatreba, skuzite da joj ipak nesto fali.
9. Scandisk zena
Svi mi znamo da ona moze napraviti mnogo toga dobroga i da samo zeli pomoci, no u nacelu nitko ne zna sto to ona zbilja moze.
10. Screen saver zena
Nema nekih bitnih funkcija, no volite ju gledati.
11. Hard disk zena
Sjeca se svega, u svako doba dana
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