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Dentists Refusing To Fix Vampires' Teeth
Vampires have a lot of wear and tear on their fangs, but they say nowadays it's nearly impossible to get proper care for their teeth.
The reason: More and more spooked dentists are closing their doors to the undead.
"It's discrimination, pure and simple," says Antonio, a Chicago vampire who says he's been denied treatment of bleeding gums and an intense toothache for months. "They all claim they're not taking any new patients, but it's just irrational fear and ignorance. "I guess they think we're going to leap out of the chair in the middle of a root canal and turn their 19-year-old hygienist into one of our unholy mistresses of the night.
"First of all, we hunt by the light of the blood moon when the children of the darkness cry and the panicked owl questions the gibbering night, and secondly, in a dentist's chair -- numbed by Novocain -- we're in no shape to bite anybody.
"Doctors take an oath to care for the sick and the afflicted. And if anyone is in danger of affliction if we don't take proper care of our teeth, it's vampires."
But dentists say the problem isn't fear of a demon sucking anyone's blood -- it's fear of insurance companies sucking the life out of their practice.
"Companies are denying claims for vampire procedures, and a lot of us can't even get malpractice insurance if we treat vampires," says one Chicago dentist who stopped treating vampires about six months ago.
"There are definite physical hazards, chiefly the increased risk of bloodborne illness from an accidental puncture. When I was treating vampires I had to do all the routine cleanings and X-rays myself because my hygienists were so afraid of accidentally getting cut, to say nothing of getting bitten.
"The big problem, though, is the expense. It takes a lot more time, effort and material to properly care for a vampire's teeth -- especially when you have to darken the room for them. The fangs are extremely complex, and they make it very difficult to get into the rest of the mouth and work on, say, the back molars. And flossing is such a huge chore for these people, there's a lot of work that needs to be done back there.
"Then you have to use gold fillings, which are very expensive -- they won't even discuss using cheaper silver ones, because they claim to be allergic to that metal.
"Insurance companies just aren't willing to cover the cost of that kind of work. We used to get three-quarters of our claims kicked back because the charge was over what the insurer considered 'reasonable and customary.' On average we got maybe 30 percent of the cost paid -- and if you want a nightmare, try going to collection on an unpaid bill from a vampire. You could end up dead, or worse yet, undead."
Antonio says he understands those concerns, but believes they could easily be put to rest.
"I'm willing to pay cash -- dollars, ducats or doubloons -- and so are most of the vampires I know," he says. "If the dentist wants to have me sneak in through the back to avoid scaring off his other patients, I'll do that too -- no matter how humiliating it might be to me.
"Vampires were once human, too. Sure, we're a little different from other people, but we suffer pain just the same. We deserve the same quality of care for our pain as anyone else."
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